don't ya hate it when that happens?
Wednesday, December 04, 2002
it always comes when you've already let go
Yesterday was a pretty emotional day. Ironically I started out quite stable. I had chatted with a former flame and things were fine. Later that evening I had the untimely conversation with a different ex. I politely suggested we part our own ways for now, but that “short” conversation escalated to heights I didn’t have time or energy for. I remain confused as to whether the whole situation was positive or not. We talked about what had remained unmentionable for over a year and a half. Ultimately what it came down to was, he forgave me and apologized for everything. He wanted to open up lines and help me ease the memory. I did not feel the same. I accepted his apology and explained that even though I forgive him, I cannot erase the unbearable emotions I had carried for so long and to appease him and possibly myself, I mentioned that I do want to be friends, but not now. There are things that he said that no one should have to hear. Now there are things that he says that shouldn’t anger me, but they do and I see that as a sign. I only want to look forward for now. My friends have the idea that guys would never apologize all of a sudden unless for a reason. And their reason is this. My ex wanted to open doors and leave the option of us as a possibility in the future, but after admitting this he also acknowledged that maybe the other person wasn’t too keen on the idea. Hmmm, ya think? (so hard to be sarcastic on a computer.) How could anyone treat another that way? There is no excuse to bear this constant pain. Why did I let people treat me that way? …I don’t hate him, but I know it’s not the time, if there will ever be one. Everything works strange. Once I let go is when they start coming back. When I don’t want one is when they come flooding. I dream about flying, with my face pointed upwards and the wind dancing in my hair, I close my eyes and let go, for I am going home.
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