don't ya hate it when that happens?
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
arghhhh!
i just finished that stupid beatles final... and on the way home i called my mother b/c i haven't talked to her in awhile. i thought it'd be a pleasant call, but then she did what she always does... analyze my life. i decided to tell her what courses i was taking next quarter which was totally my fault. she was shocked that none of the courses related to business or a career and that i am wasting time and money. to me i'd rather be doing something i want to do than sit at home waiting to hear back from a job... i'm going to be working my whole life, why rush. she even suggested i quit my part time job. she told me to come home if i'm just doing that and that i should get a full time job in the nasd arbitration section with nelia, just to have a job for maybe two years unti i decide what i really want to do. i understand they want me to come home as soon as possible, but all of this from your mother is freakin frustrating! i guess i shouldn't have expected her to understand, she did get married right out of sf state. i started to get really angry, but then she softened up and told me she wouldn't tell me what to do b/c she loves and respects me... i was competely floored. my mom doesn't say stuff like that too often. hello? asian mom? i understand she just wants to see me again and for me to be successful, but i'd like to reach it on my own instead of being pushed into it.
there are three reasons i am going home.
1) i have tons of family that i'd like to "grow old" with and share memories, hang out, etc.... (this is the hugest, most important reason out of everything. i live and breathe them.)
2) i really don't want to work to pay rent, literally just scrape by (i messed up in college, in more ways than one, but we can talk about that later)
3) the guy i have finally found an affinity with decided to chose something else over me (no offense taken, just the situation i am forced to accept)
there are a few to stay in la:
1) ji won moved here to be happy and closer to friends like me ;) (i consider her one of my best friends from hs)
2) scott's here also (he's just this guy who i felt an amazing connection with, but i really don't know where that will lead, how sad!)
3) i have a small history here including the likes of lynn, shani, elaine, jackie, corazon, kirk, the guys, etc... the stores i like to visit... places i like to hang out...
4) hoping my sisters will move here also... we defined family and although we can squabble a bit, we are finally at the age of just hanging out...
5)auntie flory's family's here (my mom's twin sister- if i miss my mom, i can go there ;) heheheh....
::sigh:: a few final thoughts are NAM! YOU NEVER LEAVE A COMMENT OR SIGNED THE GUESTBOOK! hehehe, got you there didn't i? okay... also... i really don't know what i'm doing. actuary? right now i'm wasting time and money taking these art, dance, music and theater classes...:
belly dancing, intermediate tap, fundamentals of acting, painting, afrocuban drumming, indonesian gamelan... if i get in and can handle all those classes.
oh scott... i don't really care if the whole world reads this... i don't know what to do or feel with you. i know i should move on and i'm trying, but it hurts both having and not having contact with you. you're so easily in reach at the moment... something i won't have in june... you are so close physically, a car ride, a call, an email away... and i see you online and that stupid game comes up... should i or shouldn't i? sometimes i say fuck this shit and just talk to you, lay myself vulnerable... other times i say fuck it and let you be engaged in what you chose... i don't know what path is right or better for me or you or the world... ahh the world. yes, war. i do understand the neccessity of it at times, but currently the neccessity seems lost in money and pride and power.... it's a delicate subject. sort of a chicken race... if they were insane, we'd all be using nuclear weapons.... it's this huge gamble... everyone calling eachother's bluff and trying to save face... we'll see in the end... hopefully...
"..all you need is love, love...love is all you need..." if only life were that simple...
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