don't ya hate it when that happens?
Monday, October 20, 2003
3 jazz artists and a wedding
on sat "morning" (1pm) i woke up to the sound of my mom and another women laughing in the kitchen... i wasn't sure who it was so i got dressed and shyly braving myself for whoever it was... (i don't like some of her friends) i chimed in a friendly "hello." well, the woman turned around and it was one of my favorite aunts, vida! she has, by far, the prettiest smile i can remember. she's always really cheerful and talkative and happy to see us. the story behind our familys' histories is .. i believe auntie vida is a high school friend of my mother. also.. her son, mark, marked (no pun intended) a significant point in my life. at my grandmother's wake, when i was twelve, everything seemed to be looking down for me. that day we had a big gathering in prayer. afterwards the children went swimming. a whole load of us did the "jumping into the water at the same time" bit.. suddenly, as we were about to jump for the 20th time we noticed a child swimming underwater toward us except he was completely underwater from the shallow end on... then he became motionless and hovered in the deep end... it seemed like forever as what was really happening processed through our minds. i jumped in.. my instinct.. i really didn't think. if he had been conscious when i dove down there he could have held me down too, but luckily or rather unluckily.. depending on how you see it, that was not the case. instead of wrapping one arm across his chest i just grabbed his arm and swam for where the water broke into air. sounds like the hero huh. well, not exactly.. i got to the surface but i struggled to bring him up while getting air. someone else had to jump in fully clothed to save us. that was the day i saw cpr work. that was the day i realized how much life was really worth.. that was the day i made a decision... but carrying it out hasn't been so easy... i sigh and wonder... how much suffering there really is in the world.. how my children die everyday... can i even carry the weight of the world... i try.. but i know i share it with the rest of you. i try to give everyone i meet a reason to carry on... hoping everyone would sacrifice.. believing the potential selflessness in people... i believe i can touch people.. maybe not everyone, but just knowing i tried makes all the difference.
3 jazz artists and a wedding cont'd
that saturday i spent with my mom and my aunt listening to jazz music at union square... talking to strangers.. playing with stranger's babies.. like many things.. music had brought us together... oh yeah.. and the support of the aids foundation... i love this feeling... the kind where you want to trap it in a jar and enjoy it's brightness like a firefly.
the rest of the night was spent meeting friends of rich's at gravity bar.. nothing too deep here.. just... that.. people only seem to notice you when you're taken.. it's like this sign over your head.. or is it just b/c you glow more than usual? the next morning i got a call from my ex, chris... who.. i hate to say.. i had a really hard time getting over. but now i'm at the end of that path.. and he gives me a call to catch up. something i know about him is.. everytime he's taking a long drive he thinks of me and thinks of calling me. that's just what he's always doing when he calls. i have this love/hatred battle in my head... things were said that a cannot forget... but at the same time.. it's so hard to hate anybody all the time... so draining... this is one of my problems.. i just let it sit.. you could say i'm giving it time.. or you could say i'm not dealing with it.. whatever.. then i was off to be toby's date at a wedding. everything was great, his friends, the food, the people in general... wow this weekend never ends... i met up with an old math buddy, gunnar at the marriot and we chatted for a few hours in the lounge. it's been awhile. i hope things go well for him.
..which leaves me to the end of an old high school poem...
who am i, what am i, why am i here
i hurt for the world, for the world i shed tears...
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