don't ya hate it when that happens?
Friday, January 28, 2005
intangible, yet overwhelming, beautiful life
i have to warn you,this is going to be a totally word vomit type of log...i can't begin to accurately describe how i feel.
i'm happy, yet i feel incomplete like the ground is unstable beneath my feet. i'm here but i want to be away.. off into a dreamworld. i can accept reality, but do we really have to? day in, day out i work... during the breaks i breathe in any culture, sport, or time spent with friends. if only i knew what i wanted to do for a living, maybe i would do it.
i try not to let things under my skin... mary and ron together, naomi not making me a bridesmaid, me getting annoyed by people who are supposed to be my friends... i try yet i cannot fully put it away... it's as if there is a little bit still at the bottom of the bowl begging to be cleaned and scraped away. i mean i'm not really hurt by such things and i'm definitely not angry, but why do they tug at the back of my head? ...mandalore? le sigh.. thing are as they should be. why do we focus on the negatives? lately things like the tsunami have been weighing on my heart... my father always warned me not to take things to heart, but it's just so hard... i have so much love to offer to those in need... such is my nature and it is very hard to argue against.
this is totally random, but i feel like i always get the guys i don't want... or maybe they just show interest too early. i remember being in college and having the loan officer person ask me out to dinner... too young and too innocent. there are so many things i want to say, but i can't. there are so many facets of life, i don't have time to explore and turn over every stone. i want to do everything but there's not enough time and although it should be a good thing, the amount of choices alone make it hard to choose. should we be happy or sad? one thing i definitely know for sure.. it's easy for one to say something, harder to show by example.
shoot to the past... i chatted a bit with my old pals, yodaskate and phyly (sean lee and phuc) it was familiar, but the briefest of interactions. phuc's got a gf, i'm really happy for him. sean's still making it in la with the art scene. i shouldnt' be, but it's hard not to get too disillusioned. i'm too trusting. although i miss the art crowd, it was too hard to fit in.. every group, even the rebellious ones have their "standard" of coolness. argh, but i miss the creativeness so much! the dancing, the hours of painting..
speaking of more past, i dated a friend, nicklesh once a long time ago.. i ended things harshly and years later i ran into him... he is still angry at me, but i just accepted it. there's so many things i would change, but i can't. i'm sorry.
hahaha, i don't know why i'm so weird. i try not to be, but it can't be helped. i just dont' see the point of playing by the rules all the time. i find myself in groups i don't totally belong in and my stupid train of thought sticks out like the sore thumb every time. i'm tired... c'est la vie.
1 Comments:
This is tina...i can't remember my blogger password. anyways, ur quirkiness is what we love about you, arlene!! i hate how life is a perpetual struggle to fit in. i guess that's why cliques happen, because u finally fit in somewhere, and u get protective of that bond.
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10:13 AM
