don't ya hate it when that happens?
Saturday, January 15, 2005
"These are my confessions..."
There are so many things i want to write about... i always dont know what to write about first so i just forget about it.
so, can a woman and a man just be friends?
there's this retched feeling below the superficial layer that i harbor of people who see you, but don't really do. it's a constant that one is always trying to push away... but maybe it's time to accept it as life, as something beyond their control....
i remember a comedy/ music group of people in college.. for some reason everyone wanted to be a part of this, both professional and personal. i remember feeling like a piece of meat, too self consicous to do anything right. i remember not being told the whole truth. i remember feeling not good enough. i remember people lying to my face. the "drama" was too much for me, i guess pun intended. i thought things would just be chill, but there was this cool factor involved and the tension from people dating or not dating anymore. he said this, she said that. i couldnt' stand it. it bled from every angle.. drama, music, unicamp... it was a slice of life that shouldnt' have been so complicated, yet there it was, a complex piece of pie i just wanted to throw at somebody's face.
i remember a christian fellowship that i joined. i felt the same innocence in the beginning. but then you let your walls down and the politics begin. situations start to get sticky. people aren't treated as they preach they are going to treat them. favoritism is blatent as everybody tries to get in the good light. but that was only the bad part. there were wonderful people, some i shall never forget.
i remember the main group of friends i associated with. it was the first time i realized there were so many things about me, ingrained in me, that could irk anyone so bad. i realized so many things about myself. things to change, things to accept. one of the hardest was living with my roommates my 4th year at glenrock. i came into the situation fresh out of a breakup.. with no really close friends. i left that year with a friendship with one of the greatest girls i know... who is currently living as far away as she can in ny. that was a major high of the year. a major low would have to be some of the experiences with the other two girls. it was weird. we loved eachother as sisters and yet we also fought as sisters. we scrutinized eachother's faults as thoroughly as we could and let me tell you it drove me nuts, seeing looks exchanged or eyes roll, hearing about things that were said behind my back trying to get others to agree and laugh. i pushed so hard to maintain a friendship for so long and only at the end did i realize that it shouldn't be that hard. people don't always mesh and that's fine. i want to have another go at friendship with one of them... maybe we're older and more mature. the other is getting married and i guess we went our separate ways a long time ago b/c my other two roommates are going to be bridesmaids and i'm not. i'm not hurt, i totally understand. i just wonder if i'm even invited.
i've realized a lot of things, one of the important ones being i dont have to put up with people if i don't want to. i have a choice to either deal with them or not deal with them. and then deal with the consequences. i have a friend who i can't tell if he's been always been this way bc/ i haven't known him that long, but he has such a short temper, outbursts, everything. i even hyperventilated at one point. i put up with it for as long as i could. dont' get me wrong, i tried to talk to him once about the way he talks to me, but it continued. if he's going to be angry like this, i am not letting him bring me down. i feel bad, but i need to do this. i wish i knew what his soul needed to feel content. i can't tell if this is his nature and i have to accept it or if i have the duty as a friend to tell him that, "hey dude, your attitude isnt' cool..." i have another friend who i also treasure, but he wants to hang around all the time. this is probably my own issue and not his, but it starts to get wearing on me, comparable to a needy boyfriend. i want to want him around instead of feel like he's always there. the worst part is when we go out one or sometimes the two of them never have fun and it feels like babysitting. it shouldnt be this way. it's gotten so bad it's to the point where i find myself looking for or expecting something to go wrong. i just need a break for awhiles to feel the desire to see these people in a new, fresh way. one where i dont' feel like i need to invite someone, but i want to.
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