don't ya hate it when that happens?
Monday, March 07, 2005
here i am again, full circle. i really need a friend tonight, someone who understands me but doesn't judge... but here i am again. afraid to reach out to someone, burdening them with my selfish thoughts. who would be that unlucky person... i'd rather not think about it and thus it is no one and everyone. i'm aching again tonight, a victim of pain, a tearing at the soul. heart vs brain yet again. i've never been so logical. i know what is right, but following that path... it's harder than i last remember and i didn't think i'd feel this way, but i do. the few guys after my first few serious relationships i just sort of dropped out of my life... i kept searching there when i should have been searching for myself within.
i'm just afraid. afraid that the outside would know that i can't handle what life sets before me... that people could see that i'm not strong enough. i'm afraid to cry, afraid to love, afraid to face people when i think they're doing something wrong to me... if they're wronging someone else, i stand strong as a tower... but for some reason i doubt my own thinking...
i hide my pessimism and cynicism with laughter and weirdness... my annoyingly deep over thinking by pointing at something else... i try to drown my thoughts by never having time to think about them... work, school, sports, ...i don't really have time for anything.. not even art...
i did reach out to one person.. she didn't answer her phone, i reached out to another, but she had to go.. i dont know if there'll be a third.. i'll probably just feel better tomorrow. i needed someone to listen, but i don't think she agreed with me even though she understood. argh..
desperation feeds as a by product of wanting to call someone you know you shouldn't. so you try to express your feeble willpower to someone, but you're embarrassed. they'll see the real, vulnerable you. they'll place you below them. so you just remain utterly alone... hopefully only paralyzed long enough to realize that this is stupid and life is short, and time will hold your hand to help you along.
this is dedicated to those... to let you know you're not alone.
1 Comments:
thanks T. ;)
